Hard-Hitting Analysis of the Lakers Roster, Part 1

Just to clarify, by"Hard-Hitting," I mean "Least in-depth analysis of anything ever."

Without further ado, I present you with "The least in-depth analysis of anything ever analysis of the Lakers Roster, Part 1."

In observance of the Golden Rule, I have chosen to proceed from oldest to youngest (I hope to one day command this kind of respect as a 34 year old).

Derek Fisher- I’ve heard of performances being “mailed in” before, but I have never heard of one being “squeezed out.” I would like to congratulate Mr. Fisher on squeezing out a huge 3-week bowel movement for the entire playoffs. No wonder he wears #2. The guy is shooting 23.5% on 3s in the postseason. Most of these are wiiiiiiiiide open. It is far more likely that I will throw up after taking a shot than it is likely he will make a basket after taking a shot. The starting point guard matchup this Finals is not where amazing will happen next.

I just saw that Sammy Sosa is retiring (this didn’t already happen?).

Kobe- Obviously he has had an incredible playoffs and he just gave us 34-6-6 against Denver on 48% shooting, so it doesn’t look like he’s out of gas. The Magic will be relying on a rookie and a Frenchman who has gone away from the shoes he wore ALL YEAR to guard him. We’re gonna see a big series from him, and I will find it both exhilarating and disgusting.

Lamar Odom- I just read that Lamar Odom is addicted to candy and that at least one doctor believes this to be the reason for his erratic play. I find this completely befuddling. Apparently he wakes up in the middle of the night and has to eat candy and stuff. This makes me so mad. How can a 29 year old man be addicted to candy? Did he never go trick-or-treating? Also, he likes the worst kinds of candy… like the crappy gummy kinds they only have at sweet factory. You can't trust a guy who's addicted to candy to come through.

Luke Walton- Now seems like a good time to mention that I work with a guy named Bill Walton. Well I don’t work with him, but we work for the same company and I have seen him before. He looks exactly like real Bill Walton, to the point that I had to do a triple take the first time I saw him. Just kidding. He looks more like Bill Cosby than Bill Walton (and he’s white, so he really doesn’t look like Bill Walton). I like italics.

As for Luke Walton, I don’t know why he makes so much money. More Importantly, how many times do you think Bill has said “Luke, I am your father” to him? 800? Wow I’m glad my name’s not Luke. That would get old really fast. On second thought, maybe he deserves the money he is making.


Part 2 will come sometime... I might go to bed, I've got work in the morning.

- Andrew

Running Diary of Eastern Conference Finals Game 2

2:30 1^st

Home from work (the blog doesn’t make any money just yet) with the Cavs up 9.  I expect a double-digit victory from the Cavs tonight.  LeBron only needs to play a good game (as opposed to superhuman in Game 1) with 20+ from Mo Williams (17 pts on 6-20 in Game 1) and/or Delonte West (11 on 4-13) for this to happen.  LeBron called it a must win.  I call it a guaranteed win.  Conversely, Dwight Howard simply needs to dominate.  Although relatively limited offensively, commanding the double team and kicking out to the Magic’s plethora of shooters is their only shot in this game and series.

 

29.2 seconds, 1^st

Horrible pass by Courtney Lee to Beetlejuice (more on him later) goes backcourt in a botched 2-for-1 opportunity.  Pavlovic hits a soaking wet 3 to really rub it in… 30-16 Cavs after one.

 

(How gross is the axe commercial where the guy’s armpits spray everywhere?  Andrew likes it, but it’s simply disgusting.  I can’t even begin to imagine with what that would actually smell like.)

 

10:30, 2^nd

Does Ben Wallace’s goatee have a mini braid in it?  Drew Gooden would be proud.  I’m convinced Gregg Popovich made Gooden clean up his act when he signed with the Spurs though.  Usher sighting!  I wonder if he and Dan Gilbert party.  (Nothing but fouls going on right now, the Magic seem to be taking my advice of throwing it in to Dwight.  The Cavs are hacking him though because, let’s face it, he’s no good at free throws.  Time out with 8:51… I expect the Cavs to extend this to 20 before halftime.  No one is playing particularly well yet on either team besides Dwight (creeping up on the 1^st half double-double).

 

8:35, 2^nd

Pavlovic with a beautiful hesitation dribble to the rim for a layup.  That guy should be much better than he is.  The contract hold-out didn’t help.  He would be sweet on my Suns, hypothetically at least.  Sasha with an even more beautiful drive and layup from practically behind the basket!  Now I want him on the Suns.  I’m an easy sell.  Joe Smith for a contested 3—purrrrrre (Gus Johnson)!  Timeout Magic, Cavs up 43-20 with 7:07 to play in the 1^st half.  I told you.

 

3:44, 2^nd

Hard foul by Delonte on the 1-on-1 break against Hedo but called correctly by the refs.  I am very sick of flagrants that are not flagrants.  On a semi-related note, why does Dwight Howard get so mad when Charles Barkley pulls his virtual hamstring?  The idea of Chuck playing video games tickles me.

 

2:00, 2^nd

Two of the more graceful plays I have ever seen… both by LeBron.  I won’t try to describe them, but both got me off my couch to throw my hands up in the sky.  That guy could dunk from three-point line and I wouldn’t even care.  LeBron does, however, need to shoot a better percentage from the free throw line.  Period.  Otherwise, he is categorically the best player in the NBA.  Yes, you already knew that, but a coworker of mine half-jokingly said that Baron Davis was the 2^nd best player in the league behind Kobe.  He doesn’t like LeBron because he chews his nails.  I don’t like my coworker’s lack of basketball knowledge.

 

End of 1^st half

Lost among the LeBron James show was the fact that the Magic started playing better, including big shots/drives from Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkoglu, respectively.  Cavs only up 12 after being up 23 midway through the 2^nd quarter.  I expect the Magic to make a run (just like last game) with big 3s and offensive rebounding.  Cavs outplaying the Magic in every statistical category and this time, the Cavs will pull it out easily in the 4^th.

 

 

Some tangents:

I cannot stand James Harrison.  First of all, he scored a touchdown in the Super Bowl that should have been called back… it completely changed the game.  The ungrateful jerk goes on to wins the Super Bowl, receives the customary invite to the White House, but declines for literally no reason.  Summary of explanation: “If the Cardinals had won, the President would have invited them.”  Ok.  A member of the media asked him about it again, to which he replied that he was not a devil worshipper.  What?  Finally, Harrison’s toddler was attacked by the family pit bull this morning and is in fairly serious condition.  I wish his son all the best, but this guy is an idiot.  Keep your two-year old away from vicious dogs and stop taking a fraudulent Super Bowl victory for granted.

 

Delonte West is sweet.  Save for the tattoos, red hair, hilarious description of his dream date, potential appearance in an amateur porn, and all the familiar symptoms of oral herpes, I am the white right-handed Delonte West.  That boy can shoot, defend, and dunk much better than it would appear.  What’s not to like?  Here comes the 2^nd half…

 

6:16, 3^rd

The Magic has just made their obligatory run, capped off with two threes in a row by Lewis.  I am incredible at calling live timeouts on behalf of coaches.  Kyle: “Timeout.”  Mike Brown: “Timeout.”  Dwight Howard is getting incredible post position (basically under the basket), forcing Big Z to immediately foul him.  Luckily, Dwight has no moves outside of the charge circle, so they have to force him out.  They have been doubling him, but that may very well bite them if the Magic shooters get hot.  Doug Collins and I are on the same page, including his decision to stop bleaching his hair yellow.  That was a rough patch in his career. 

 

4:45, 3^rd

LeBron’s 2^nd outrageously powerful yet agile “and-one” in a row.  Yucky.  Not only is he the best basketball player on the planet (my friend Jeremy insisted he wouldn’t average more than 10 as a rookie… I suggested a wager, which was declined), but he would also be the best tight end in football, best shortstop/slugger in baseball, a sweet open-ice hockey player, and even an incredible goalie in fútbol.  I’m convinced that he was created in a laboratory.  UPDATE: Third ridiculous driving, 3 non-called fouls, power lay-up.  Somebody help me understand.  This man is a month younger than me.

 

Tangent:  Saar is giving us a thorough training on how to “wrangle cable”. 

 

“Over time, cable has a memory.  Sometimes it wants to go this way, sometimes it wants to go that way… you just give it what it wants.” – Poignant, eloquent, and timeless.

 

He returns my iPhone cord in better condition than before.  A man of many talents, that Ryan Saar.

 

Back to the game…

 

11:06, 4^th

Only a 6 point game to start the 4^th... my predictions means nothing.  Beetlejuice give and go to Goran Sutton (or whatever the bald guy’s name is on the Magic) for the dunk!  Another tangent, mid paragraph:  Andrew and I were at the Suns-Magic game midseason (J-Rich’s first appearance as a Sun).  Anthony Johnson’s nickname is listed as Beetlejuice and we can’t figure out why.  After a brief brainstorm session, we realized it’s because he looks just like Beetlejuice from “The Howard Stern Show”.  We laughed for 5 straight minutes.

 

9:33, 4^th

Cavs are flat, Sasha Pavlovic (in this order) bricked free throws, got beat off the dribble by Hedo, then capped off a terrible flurry of extra passes by air-balling a 3… so much for the Suns trading for him.

 

6:40, 4^th

Tie game.  Courtney Lee is dirty.  Rip Hamilton should retire his broken nose mask.  I officially rescind my prediction of a dominant Cavs victory.  Right now, they are playing not to lose… and they’re tied.  This replaces the rescinding of my previous prediction that the Cavs wouldn’t lose one game in the playoffs.  Whatever, I miss the Suns.

 

4:24, 4^th

Mo with a JR Smith length 3!!!  Monster shot.  Hedo answers, then Z answers that.  Zydrunas is perfect for this team.  He might be more effective now than he has ever been, simply because he moves guys like Dwight Howard away from the basket on defense.  I hope LeBron doesn’t jump ship in 2010… I like the makeup of this squad.  Z dives on the floor for the lose ball and gets the timeout!  This bad boy is coming down to the wire.  (I’m praying for no overtime—I’ve got a date with a young lady and some delicious food waiting for me at a restaurant I’m not willing to pimp until I try it myself.)

 

13.6, 4^th

Pavlovic with the most ill-advised foul in playoff history.  I completely rescind my trade request… Hedo with a lefty drive to the lane for the pull-up.  2 pts.  Are the Magic going to completely steal home court?  One second left.  Here we go…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

Oh.

My.

God.

 

You saw the play.  Cavs win.  LeBron is super real.  I’m literally shaking.  We are all witnesses.

 

 

- Kyle  

Welcome to Hoops Heads

(Yes, this is after the first post.  Read on.)

Hoops Heads is the manifestation of a million conversations, emails, texts, and phone calls; two guys who talk mostly about ball now writing about it.  Originally designed as a way to acquire media credentials for March Madness (conceptually, a phenomenal idea), we now strive to provide a fresh perspective on the world of basketball.  Be on the lookout for more running game diaries, commentaries on basketball-related events, random thoughts, running debates between the authors, and a poignant explanation of why Russell Westbrook hates the rim.

I leave you with this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KzCxnnaGUa4

Cheers,

- Kyle

     

Running Diary of Western Conference Finals Game 2

(9:00 min remain 2^nd quarter)Getting a pretty late start tonight, but it looks like I still showed up well before most of the Denver Nuggets. Want to quickly point out that when I pulled into my parking lot, I heard the following sentence from my radio “Which he wrote in his book, The Invisible Hook, detailing the economics of pirates.” – I don’t know if this is about Blackbeard pirates or black pirates, but this has clearly shot to the top of my list.

I just realized that the Birdman plays in the mile high city. Not the first brick he’s ever rebounded if you hear me.

(8:02) I hate Lakers fans. They all wear Affliction tees and drive ‘01 3 series.

(6:30) Linas Kleiza left Missouri because his coach slept with his girlfriend. Is that true? I wonder why he left Lithuania..

(5:20) George Karl seems like he would be a terrible person to share a bathroom with.

(4:45) After studying the sample size of Carmelo and Shannon Brown, I am debating braiding my hair only to quickly shave it off and immediately improve in all areas of life.

(3:45) Anthony Carter should go by AC Carter. That guy is going to coach middle schoolers soon.

(2:40) I want this half to end so I can flip to UofA softball.

1-0 Wildcats. I miss Adrienne Acton.

That can’t be a live shot of LA. It’s 7:00. I want to know.

They are being too hard on Nene. He lost a tesiticle. He is doing his best.

(2:21) Great finish by Martin. He finishes stronger at the rack than Peter North.

(1:09) My comments are turning out to be extremely anti-LA. Sorry. I will try harder, but I hate them.

(40 sec) That was a really dumb foul to put Denver in the bonus and allow them to cut it to 3.

-0.06 sec- Someone from Colorado took advantage of Kobe from behind. Justice has been served.

I get 3 calls per day from the Arizona Republic and I don’t know how to get them to stop.

This is incredibly difficult without DVR. I do not have DVR because my roommate whose name our cable bill is under repeatedly refused to accommodate my wishes to upgrade. I have a fantastic TV and no HD except for the antenna I made. It is frustrating and disgraceful.

“An engaging and thorough portrait of high seas banditry that goes beyond the pop-culture stereotypes to argue that though often brutal and always mercenary, pirates were ahead of their time when it came to matters of economic fairness and progressive labor practices.”
(Kevin Canfield Mother Jones )

I couldn’t be more excited about this book.

2^nd half thoughts…. Well I’ve been trying so hard to write things down that I haven’t been able to focus as much on the game as I would like. I’m also kind of sleepy and I have to use the restroom. If I was a baby I would definitely by crying right now. Luckily I am almost deepthroating a pacifier (Canadians call them soothers, which is awesome. I think I generally prefer to be soothed rather than pacified, so I am onboard).

At this point, both in the game and the series, it looks like the overall key is going to be the effort out of Denver’s frontcourt. The Lakers are getting too many second chances and uncontested dunks. I look for this to change in the second half. I think they have the potential physicality and ability to keep Gasol / Bynum / Odom in check, but for whatever reason this has not been happening early (I know these three didn’t score much in the first game, but the rebounding advantage was huge). They need someone other than Bullups / Carmelo to score and Kleiza has obviously filled that void very nicely this half.

LA seems to be playing well overall, with the exception of that last 4 minutes. They need to pretend like it never happened and continue to play their game. Kobe needs to continue to get everyone involved, but also pick his spots because nobody on the Nuggets can check him. And they need to hit like 2/5 of their wide open threes, because we know they will get a lot.

(11:45) Wow Kenyon Martin has worse hands than Kyle.

(10:54) Wow Kenyon Martin has worse hands than Saar.

(9:09) In planning a trip to the summer league, I can only hope Dahntay Jones is there again.

(6:47) Pau Gasol seems like he would be an even more terrible person to share a bathroom with.

(6:33) All this bathroom talk is proving to be too much for me feeble bladder. BRB.

Okay luckily I caught the Ariza dunk. That was ridiculous. I looked it up and his UCLA team was 11-17. Yikes.

(5:10) Kenyon Martin does not play like a 9-year veteran. Probably his mom’s fault.

(4:00) Not the first rock the Birdman’s ever gotten his hands on.

(2:47) Wikipedia-ing during the commercial taught me that Charles O’Bannon’s full name is Charles Edward O’Bannon while Ed O’Bannon’s name is Edward Charles O’Bannon. Perfect.

(2:35) Carmelo’s nickname should be bukakke, because he finishes strong at the rack no matter how many guys are around.

(2:02) Denver’s going to have to start hitting some free throws.

(1:02) Why don’t Europeans have tattoos?

(40) Tough call on Kobe… you’re telling me there were no fouls on any of those Laker shot attempts?

4^th

(11:40) Chauncey with the JR Smith memorial 28 footer.

(10:20) How can none of these young Laker guards stay in front of Billups?

(10:00) You know how the NFL has all those linemen competitions at the Pro-Bowl? Let’s do it with the NBA sometime in the summer.

I’m tired of Biz Markie.

(9:30) Carmelo’s talk about his confidence reminded me of his Cribs episode, in which he presented us with an oil painting of him standing back-to-back with Jesus Christ, and they blended into the same person as the painting moved down. I think it’s safe to say that he is a confident offensive player.

(7:20) Shannon Brown is not Isaiah Thomas, not matter how much he wants to believe he is.

I am excited to see what Carmelo can do when he comes back in. He has been the best player on the floor this entire series. Karl needs to keep him on the floor. There are enough stoppages in playoff basketball that he can play heavy minutes and still be rested.

(7:00) I can’t tell if the DirecTV- French Open commercial is actually Dick Enberg, or just someone impersonating him. Listen carefully next time. It’s impossible to tell.

(5:47) It seems like the Lakers know what things they need to do to win and the Nuggets do not.

(5:37) Committing pointless fouls when you are in the bonus, however, is not one of those things.

(4:50) I guess the basketball gods did not like the foul call on Nene. I typed it before the notorious jvg said it.

(3:42) Trevor Ariza looks like he could be really good soon.

(2:16) Camelo Anthony is really good right now. Where is Gerry McNamara?

(2:00) Yuck. Nice, efficient game from Kobe tonight… 30 on 19 shots.

I'm spent. Nice win for the Nuggets. I expect them to take a 2-1 lead on Saturday and the Lakers to tie it up in game 4.

- Andrew