Hard-Hitting Analysis of the Lakers Roster, Part 1

Just to clarify, by"Hard-Hitting," I mean "Least in-depth analysis of anything ever."

Without further ado, I present you with "The least in-depth analysis of anything ever analysis of the Lakers Roster, Part 1."

In observance of the Golden Rule, I have chosen to proceed from oldest to youngest (I hope to one day command this kind of respect as a 34 year old).

Derek Fisher- I’ve heard of performances being “mailed in” before, but I have never heard of one being “squeezed out.” I would like to congratulate Mr. Fisher on squeezing out a huge 3-week bowel movement for the entire playoffs. No wonder he wears #2. The guy is shooting 23.5% on 3s in the postseason. Most of these are wiiiiiiiiide open. It is far more likely that I will throw up after taking a shot than it is likely he will make a basket after taking a shot. The starting point guard matchup this Finals is not where amazing will happen next.

I just saw that Sammy Sosa is retiring (this didn’t already happen?).

Kobe- Obviously he has had an incredible playoffs and he just gave us 34-6-6 against Denver on 48% shooting, so it doesn’t look like he’s out of gas. The Magic will be relying on a rookie and a Frenchman who has gone away from the shoes he wore ALL YEAR to guard him. We’re gonna see a big series from him, and I will find it both exhilarating and disgusting.

Lamar Odom- I just read that Lamar Odom is addicted to candy and that at least one doctor believes this to be the reason for his erratic play. I find this completely befuddling. Apparently he wakes up in the middle of the night and has to eat candy and stuff. This makes me so mad. How can a 29 year old man be addicted to candy? Did he never go trick-or-treating? Also, he likes the worst kinds of candy… like the crappy gummy kinds they only have at sweet factory. You can't trust a guy who's addicted to candy to come through.

Luke Walton- Now seems like a good time to mention that I work with a guy named Bill Walton. Well I don’t work with him, but we work for the same company and I have seen him before. He looks exactly like real Bill Walton, to the point that I had to do a triple take the first time I saw him. Just kidding. He looks more like Bill Cosby than Bill Walton (and he’s white, so he really doesn’t look like Bill Walton). I like italics.

As for Luke Walton, I don’t know why he makes so much money. More Importantly, how many times do you think Bill has said “Luke, I am your father” to him? 800? Wow I’m glad my name’s not Luke. That would get old really fast. On second thought, maybe he deserves the money he is making.


Part 2 will come sometime... I might go to bed, I've got work in the morning.

- Andrew